Patience….A Crappy Virtue

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Busy working….hope to be soon joining the full time crowd the handshakes been shook quickly ecstatically I was planning on being indifferent pfffft like whatever man I’m a free bird love the coming and going….but I want to be chained metaphorically that is don’t take literally I really don’t want to find myself in a darkened cell scented in piss and blood with a thin dingy stained mattress and chained to concrete coarse wall over thought that nightmare just a little…..but working for an agency is great meandering here there and everywhere meeting new people learning new things or just thanking god you’ll never have to come back again…..but I need permanence some concrete in my shoes minus the cold deep water to drown in….so having said yes to a permanent contract I’m now waiting on the ink to hit the paper so I can celebrate.


DIY Rainbow Kitty

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DIY Rainbow Kitty

I was shopping with my sister and her little bundles of none stop talking joys when my niece the spirit of little chucky suggested I buy a few of these feline ornaments and decorate them….shes into glitter-fying everything at the moment basically she scribbles a few lines then adds an over zealous helping of glue which I have to smear evenly over the A4 paper because god forbid I should be allowed to help no I just have to fix it diligently and quietly like a good PA then its bedazzle with glitter time…its like watching an epileptic break into seizures as she sprinkles sporadically to make a colorful vomit art….I should probably call the Tate if you can put a light switch in a room and call it art or dump trash on the floor and call it I don’t know see why glitter vomit because that’s what it is can’t be crap art that sells for thousands…..its a modern abstract exploration into the human psychosis or whatever babble you want to insert to make shit sound like fancy shit.

To Mothers Day Or In My Case To Bitch Day

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AWWWW mothers have to love them because if you don’t you’ll probably kill yours I’m contemplating killing mine if they ever do a mother swap show I would run away with my new mother…..after reading countless Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie I decided that my mother being so special deserves not some brutish hack and slash affair or an insipid poisoning I mean its always bloody or cold not to belittle villains and their master plans but I think a mother deserves something artistic and ingenious special declaration of I love you torn with hatred that only a mother can inspire in her children the bad in need of counselling kind but won’t go because the therapist wouldn’t play the its everyone’s fault poor dear game…..yes the crazy bitch actually doesn’t want therapy because she knows she has a problem but doesn’t want to fix it……instead lets drink and be bitter then spread some misery……yeah that type of bitter is never going to die…..but if my mother does eventually die I can pretend it was my plan all along….so yes I will be spending mothers day or as I like to call lets award this bitch day watching the clock tick by waiting for the Balrog that is my mothers inner soul to resurface and unleash its bitchy fury…..alcohol is like a summoning potion she drinks gets merry then somewhere along the line she loses consciousness and beast is summoned forth to moan and whine about its life then play the blame the children game followed by more self pity nobody loves me then the paranoia kicks in you all want me dead horrible children blah blah blah the moment you all wait for I’m going to kill myself I’m going to the bridge and kill myself because your all ungrateful….at which point we rush to bring her coat and shoes and open the door and chorus off you go then….but she never does we’ve grown past caring or being used or threatened and she knows that somewhere in that inebriated facade lies a cold evil mind that is fuelled by aggression its like she needs to argue then I come to slow conclusion OH MY GOD my mother is an internet troll that is the best all rounded description of my mother…..and so she begins again from act one until she finally retires for the evening or we do none of us have said much the Troll prefers the stage alone we just occasionally are allowed to participate fuel the fire from her odious monologuing….but yeah bring on the festive Sunday,

Chasing The Wi-fi

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We evolved bloody clever things wee little humans we are don’t mind patting some clever scientist on the back if I ever meet one a real scientist and not one those astrophysicists who make number and letter soups and convince you that it means that universe is collapsing I’m probably berating the wrong branch of science but you catch my drift pretend you do or I’ll be forced to wander aimlessly further into the dark forest of crazy lady rambling…..we clever humans we climbed down from the dangerous treetops to squat in dank little caves really thought that one through I wonder how many said “you what_you want me to go in there_IN THERE where its dark and who knows what is living_IN THERE screw that mate I’m going back up there”…..we added central heating I wonder how that little discovery came about I mean what idiot thought it would be a good idea to furiously rub two sticks together then off course you get one idiot you went to far and started a fire and thus discovered home improvement and hey presto first decorated dank cave…..because lets face it only an idiot would make the greatest human discovery by sheer dumb luck and boredom no phones no TV no radio yep making two sticks smoke was probably Angry Birds of the long back to first page in your history book day…well not my history book they only went back to the Romans day so keep going stop right before you reach the dinosaurs if you hit the dinosaur’s then were taking about the wrong humans……so we got fire in the dank little cave which leads to smoke fire who cares we were hardier back then not sanitized I’m dying from a splinter must moisturize my frail little hands from the cold wimps…..we roughed it pissed and shat all over mother nature of course we’re still doing that consistent in fucking up something that’s humans…..but its more like pillaging and plundering then pissing and shitting…..then I’m guessing roughing it got old too many moaning and grumbling because we’re not living in holes thank whoever is responsible……I think the smoke fire was probably the first room spray……scent of fresh burning carcass and wood to smother the smell of piss and shit and we got creative spruced up the hole with graffiti because grunting only entertains for so long and we have to find ways to interact with family whilst ignoring them at the same time….but we didn’t stop there not content with hovels we built bigger and better things all culminating with the beautiful smartphone that I’m now waving around like some magic wand trying to get a wi-fi signal because I refuse to be inconvenienced by going to the other room…..I mean the whole point of a router is so I don’t have to be where the family congregates everybody else is swanning around from room to room blatantly taunting me because they got the good child while I got Chuckey’s reject evil but in a lame way…….smartphone you should be called arsephone at home it acts like a temperamental teenager its PMS button set on I hate you there for I will make you suffer…..but outside the house its a bloody wi-fi hotspot whore I don’t even have to be in the building it just goes crazy like a four year old at a Toys R Us poster…….P.S scientists I’m taking back that pat on the back.

Off course there is a slight possibility and I mean slight that it could be just my phone…. I’ve dropped it one too many times my laptop and tablet don’t suffer from arse-syndrome……naaaaaah I’m not giving back the pat until I get a new phone or scientist build something cool and amazing I’m hoping for anything grand small rainbow pony perhaps….no no wait….rainbow kitty I’ve tried with jumbo felt tip pens but its getting the kitten or cat to sit still that’s the hard part they run after the first color strays clearly won’t do anything for a free meal.

Repack It

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I have seen all the twilight movies insert shock horror now but jokes aside…its a film I’ve watched it and I’ve come to the conclusion that they should repackage the whole five films into one bumper movie take out all that teen angst brooding moping pining crapfest that stunk up all four films….the fifth was better because there was no pining since the suicidal girl got her blood sucking love and the wolf got compensated with a baby anyone else feel dirty thinking about that because if you overthink like I do they’ve basically turned Jacob into a pedo grooming his future love….I know I know I’m probably cheapening the whole story down to a base level and its much more pure and beautiful…but from this awkward viewers angle it feels kind of creepy to me……but anyways I prefer the fifth film even with its slight creep factor and the baby with its weird CGI face because I wasn’t having my gag reflexes strained the action scenes were great made me forget I was watching twilight….so they need to go back to editing hack and slash that fat baby down to a slender girl meets boy with a little Romeo and Juliet melodrama add a furry triangle for good measure then throw in few wrenches vengeful vampire here power hungry vampire clan there and you have good movie….instead of the drenched in butter and syrup twisted love story with sparkling vampires and whining werewolves….I’ve never read the books and I’m a firm believer that books are always superior to there cinematic adaptations so who knows maybe the twilight books have just be badly butchered considering its Hollywood I won’t be surprised when one day get around to reading the books and love them…I’ll probably hate the films more for screwing it up.




I love books I have more books then time to read them especially now that I’ve gone digital my eBook collection is skyrocketing its easier when you don’t have to worry about where to put things and I might have to join a monastery do librarians have monastery because they should they are very monk and nun like except for the swearing off sex part well that’s how I imagine them…. they should have an ancient citadel where all the librarians convene take up their holy orders of book worship I would join having made my pilgrimage across treacherous land and sea to become an apprentice in the hidden temple carved into mountain bound by magic to shield it from the outside world…I would spend my librarian years entombed in one of the many rooms crammed with books on the shelves and floor littered with stacks of more books sat by the mouth of a large fire devoting myself to reading….my second ideal fantasy is a cottage but not just a plain old cottage I want one that’s awkward shaped like two houses that have collided together now unable to move must conform to their new status everything inside would be uneven to the point of stubbornness and the cottage would rest in a small village unheard of and rarely ever visited and my awkward house would be cross between a library and cat shelter for the weary travelling cat to stop on its way somewhere a cat inn I suppose…..but at the moment I have to make do with my slow and steady wins the book race that I’m playing with myself….always fun to play with oneself eeeww not in that way dirty dirty minded people.

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